||[22 Feb 2009|01:25pm]
its been a while and ime to look pathetic again.
i worked prety hard at gettig over brittny and moving on but it doesnt seem to be working out too well. here was really only one girl since then but since her ex bf knocked her up she disappeared too. soe others slightly but not even note worthy. brittny also left her shitty bf but is regreting every bit and still head over feet for him.
i got out and didnt enjoy the scene out there. im not meant to be going to bars and clubs i am far more set for settling down ut you cant find someone settled down. i honestly thought if keith fucked up his chances i'd get another one but that doesnt appear to be the case. can't help but to hold on to some string of hope but doesnt appear too likely i think three years of fucking up made it to the point she cant ever feel remotely like she used to so i cant e too angry if it comes back to being all my fault. thought i have been angry very angry lately. anything she does sets me off and any conversation comes back to how its lonely and shes the one i want.
i know its not very typical of me and the persona people have for me to be so hung up on someone but before she left i KNEW we werent ever going anywhere we'd get a palce for us and coda, get the balls and capital to move somewhere new since neither of us particularly like it here. make some new life where no one has to worry about being lonely again.
its been abundandtly clear since she left that we dont actually have as much in common as we'd though because she just used my opinions without necessarily agreeing before. i was pretty upset about some of that when i started finding out but the differences are small things compared to the things in common like how much we hate people but dislike being alone. thats far more important in being around someone than not liking all the same bands. i used to get all pissy because of stupid arguements too but everyones going to argue and if the biggest issues are that i like the tv too loud i think thats pretty good too. i've actually been reading a lot of relationship and fighitng articles on webmd at work(because only website i can go to). they are pretty interesting i've learned a lot.
im absolutely convinced that brittny was the one and it would have been great if we put the effort into it. i cant really come to terms with having to find another and they wont be as good. to be absolutely honest im sure i could get a more attractive girl or something superficial but id turn away all those hottee ones for someone like brittny that is attractive and is as loyal as anyone can possibly get and a great person for companionship. looks WILL go on everyone but those other things are always important. fucking the hottest thing on the planet is passed me i'd prefer to settle down with someone who has it all rather than some 10 with a 84 IQ and low self esteem.
just cant seem to get past someone that i feel has a ery well rounded package to offer. honestly for my insecurities most important is loyalty. its hard ot find someone who wouldnt cheat. i dont trust ANY girls. i've made enough cheat to not have any faith in any of them, except brittny.
im not sure where to go because staying around her as a friend is immensely painful since she literally just feels nothing for me but some guy shes friends with now and i really think id do about anything for her. leaving would be other choice and i dont have anyone else in the world who gives a fuck so if i leave im just secluding myself from the world and i dont seem how id enjoy that. what do you do?
i feel like a pathetic fucking bitch.
i made a self fulfilling prophecy saying for ages that i couldnt do relationships that i cant do this or that and when it came time to make some real choices in life i couldnt. i can. i can do them all really well but i didnt.
i really thought when she left id be able to get past everything and move on it was my fault i took responsability and that should have cleared everything up and i should have been able to go about my life respecting her for finally getting rid of me when i was shitty but it doesnt look like thats the case. i just improved and want it all back more than i want anything else.
( Colin Hay - I Just Dont Think I'll Ever Get Over YouCollapse )
||[24 Nov 2008|05:51pm]
new stuff lately.
i spent the last four nights at bars, three different p[alces in four nights with three different people. im trying.
on thursday i met jessica, a girl from work at BWW. shes pretty cool, pretty tattooed and actually 28. met some her crazy friends who are in their fucking 30s actually and she seems very hung up that im so "young" but shes fun. bww was a bit boring but eh, just needed something to do.
friday i was at pool hall and has bene palying from about 8-10:30 matt had shown up and i mentioned needing a beer and he suggested we go to blue 5 downtown. this was the first time i'd even seen him since i moved out but alas i cant go places alone so we went and it was a great choice. the door guy knew matt and we each got in for free when there was a 20$ cover. there was a pretty decent jazz band playing and he knew waitresses and they were hot and friendly, i made connections and found a really nice atmosphere to drink. its was fun, its weird how enjoyable matt can be given what a dick he is usually.
saturday we went back to blue 5 just us again and wasnt as many people we knew but really good blues band and no cover. stayed for a bit left about 1 and texted jana because i had said id go there and finally showed up around 2am and we watched drillbit taylor which was actually fucking hilarious then i decided should watch forgetting sarah marshall too and i swear i remember it being funnyish at theaters well wasnt that great the second time. went to bed, ish. around 8am didnt sleeps very well got up at 1 got us both food and watched football and then went to work from 3-12
sunday...work sucked, was talking to jessica most of the time among other poeple and suddenly i lost all signal and freaked the fuck out.my phone had been acting weird altely because i had at jail broken and i was worried i fucked it up good and reformatted it and lost everything id dont since 9/30 this year and jassica had been trying to convince me to go to park to meet her and friend to watch drag show with friends and the park is not my style i've never been period and now my phone wont send texts and i got my laptop out of car to fix phone while at work and couldnt because of firewalls here so sat here from 10-11:30 freaking out not knowing what was wrong with my phone and if i was going to lose everything.
so i get off at 11:30 and go to dennys to try to fix it over wireless and their wireless was sketchy and wouldnt work for me to update so i sat downtown and updated phone hoping i could get a hold of her and figure out whats going on because i wanted to hang out but i was scared of the park and paying cover for no reason. i got it all updated and restored and still no signal and i was livid its 12:30 by now almost and last call in hour. i just drove down tehre got osme balls paid 6$ went in alone. luckly jessica and friends were there in front i saw the last 4 minutes of drag show found out she didnt have signal either and it was a sigular thing so i did all that to my phone for nothing.
the club was nothing like id ever seen i was in shock it was...wow..they were certainly gay. it was pretty funny though just hanging out...did have a guy or two tell jessica i was hot, i'll take whatever compliments, go me. her friends left and she asked if i could take her home (i'll find out later this was planned for me to take her home i think she slipped mentioning it and i didnt call her out). got there didnt even park shes never been more than friendly and i've seen her more affectionate with other people than me and she asked if i wanted to come in so i did and put on clerks II and then mallrats (and we'd had a kevin smith convo before) so i just never left insteasd she asked when i needed to be up i told her and she set an alarm. even up to point of getting under covers she wasnt the least bit affectionate or more than friendlike. turns out she is and i have two new firsts. pierced nipples (which i never liked by look but from what piercing does they are pretty fun) and someone who is ungodly rough. i have bite marsk ands cratches on me that hurt to the touch and one bleed a little. im cool with nails and biting but within reason and she was about 50 miles past reasonable. in the end found out if i control her i dont get hurt but not really anything i've done before and felt kind of stupid but she was having fun so eh. something that could be fun if its something that ever happens again im not even sure how it went down the first time. i had to leave before she got up so she was out of it and i wasnt sure how to act in day time considering i likened her to a vampire with biting or witch with those fingernails in the dark and then to just ordinary person in the day time and light.
well too busy to finish today i'll amend it another day
||[19 Nov 2008|12:20am]
I think im giving up on a lot of things again.
Id been wanting to write for a couple days but I have nothing worth saying.
Im lonely all the time. Nothing im doing is making me happy.
I have to beg and hope to get any physical contact at all with anyone and still doesn’t work.
I have nothing to say, im more miserable than I ever was before because I don’t have any hope left in any of the things I was so stupidly hopeful for.
I was unusually hopeful and positive and ambitious for a solid month and half and all I got was one set back after another after another. All I got was people proud of me and that certainly pays the bills or drives me around town or makes up for sleeping alone every night.
I wish one of the times I was done with brittny I could be.
I wish I could move and start over.
I have nothing to write.
I don’t care anymore.
Its not in me.
Sorry to anyone who spent time trying to help or listening or reading this series of unfortunate events. To be fair I thought I had it in me too.
Bright Eyes If Winter Ends
i dreamt of a fever,
one that would cure me of this cold, winter set heart.
with heat to melt these frozen tears and burned with reasons
as to carry on.
into these twisted months i plunge without a light to follow
but i swear that i would follow anything
if it would just get me out of here.
and so you get six months to adapt
and then you get two more to leave town.
in the event that we do adapt we still might not want you around.
and i fell for the promise of a life with a purpose
but i know that that is impossible now.
and so i drink to stay warm
and to kill selected memories
because i just can't think anymore about that or about her tonight
i give myself three days to feel better
or i swear i am driving off a fucking cliff
because if i can't make myself feel better
then how can i expect anyone else to give a shit
and i scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere
just get me past this dead and eternal snow
because i swear that i am dying, slowly but its happening
so if there is a perfect spring that's waiting somewhere
just take me there and lie to me and say it's going to be alright
its going to be alright, yeah you worry too much kid,
its going to be alright.
what do you do with other people's efforts are riding on yours?
you do have a reason to try. if nothing else do it for you. be positive and do things for you not others. i've watched things fall apart all around me and i saw how things were falling apart for you and you didn't give up, you tried to be better. i've looked up to you all these months. if things were shitty for you and you were trying i could too
||[07 Nov 2008|07:07pm]
Been a while since I wrote. Partly because I’ve gotten a good del beyond where I stated I think and partly because I didn’t have a car, moved, still don’t have internet and im rarely home due to that.
So lets see what all has happened? The day before Halloween my car didn’t start I think I wrote then. I got it towed on Halloween to sean’s dads shop and he worked on it Saturday and finished Monday in time for me to get to work. It was the distributor and cost me 550 total. Joy.
Michael and well everyone I know ditched me on Halloween. Matt and everyone went downtown and never invited me, Michael told me if I needed something to do he’d grab me and we’d chill but he found other plans. Well that covered everyone I know but ironically enough Melissa texted me at like 8 all upset because bobby had broken up with her a couple days ago. I’d always thought she was pretty hot, mostly just due to her size I think (shes a 00. What the fuck kind of size is 00?). So when she got off work she came over and we watched a couple movies, got late, went upstairs but on a great documentary I found (which bored her but I liked it) called “a complete history of my sexual failures.” After that it was probably 7 am and went to sleep, she had to have SILENCE no tv no music no nothing. Then complained that it was getting light and she couldn’t sleep. She wasn’t lying I barely got any sleep with her tossing and turning and doing whatever. Got up, killed time, she went to work I still didn’t have a car so I stayed where I was. Still a nice coincidence because I was going to have to sit home alone on Halloween and she was going to be home crying for third night in a row. I actually realized writing this brittny and I were with her and bobby last Halloween at tech for He Is Legend show.
Not a lot since then, officially moved to fincastle in new house. Its about 25 miles each was to downtown Roanoke from here and im told if it snows forget about trying to go anywhere. Jess, the 26 year old attractive kindergarten teacher, seems very nice though I’ve never been home while she was awake to have any conversations. Since its so far from here to town I don’t come back at all unless I know im in for night and with no tv or internet in my room yet I cant really be here for the night. Usually I’ve gotten form between 1-3am and she goes to bed before 12 usually and I get up from 9-11 and she leaves around 7:30 I think. Its still a gorgeous house and nice but goddamn its so far away. I may have to stay in town some when its going to snow so I can get to work.
Brittny has been suspiciously absent during this catch up, actually shes been around a lot we’ve talked quite often when I had internet access on aim and we’ve texted and I’ve even seen her a couple times. Over all it’s been well. Of course there are always arguments or what not with any people but sometimes they can be stickier with us because we each have separate feelings that can be hurt or stepped on due to the break up. Im trying for once to handle those things properly and apologize of needed or whatever would take to make things okay. Even if it never helps with brittny its something I need to be able to do later. Brittny is still special to me, I miss her, I like to hug/hold her. But I think dealing with keith thing helped me back off a lot more than I normally would have because I know no chance now. I know the feelings we had existed im sure could bring them back if wanted but I don’t think that would be a good idea, at least at the moment. I’ll always be there for her regardless of anything else if she decided she wanted to try again one day im sure it’s a possibility. I don’t think im going anywhere and Melissa is not girlfriend material, just a trophy of tinyness. Shes actually a lousy person, she is republican. Well really that’s all I can think of that’s bad but that’s pretty bad. Shes just immature and doesn’t have the kind of drive brittny had to improve herself to the point that she’d need to. I would never sit around for the time it would take to help someone else “grow up.” Especially when shes just not intelligent enough to understand what she’d have to do.
So anyway back to brittny. It was Nice to see her and lay around. I was there for five hours the other night, I didn’t plan to be there so long just turned out prior to that days argument we had each wanted to see the other so seemed like maybe we should make up and hang out. Seems like long time, because never did anything except when I got there I watch coupling with Andrew and sean and brittny came out and watched too. Then laptoping and then some laying around and then it was 12:30 in the morning. Apparently keith was supposed to be there but decided not to show up. I believe he’s there now also unless he left super early to drive the wrong direction to shower. I’ll find out anyway because now driving past brittny’s is on my way to work. My long long drive to work every fuck day.
Speaking of work I need to leave in a few. So I guess this is done.
||[22 Oct 2008|07:21pm]
i keep expecting her just to run into my arms somewhere and hug me.
where does that come from? why would it even be in my head?
even if we were something that wouldnt even be very feasible so why is it in my head these days?